Beck - Nerdish twerp turns millionaire pop icon.
Jets to Brazil - I swear I used to have a distortion pedal. I swear I
used to be enormously influential. I swear this many college kids
didn't always screw to my album.
Hot Water Music - Every phrase I sayyyyyyy... just sort of trails
offffffff... I guess that's why we're emooooooo.... Now harmonize!
Three Mile Pilot - Oceans. Castles. Horses. Dude, we've gotta stop
letting my little sister write lyrics.
Dub Narcotic Sound System - Calvin, any of these three notes can be
yours. Choose wisely.
Polyvinyl Records Roster - Every album comes stained with whine.
Sensitivity now available in classy blue and grey packaging.
godheadSilo - Sweat pants. Moustaches. And still people swear we're ART.
Slaves - We are not the VSS, we are not Angelhair... Oh, sorry, I
wasn't listening.
Mary Lou Lord - Aren't my chipmunk cheeks just adorable?
Lois Maffeo - I wish I had Mary's cheeks.
Pansy Division - Is this confrontationalist political activism or
simply a way for straight boys pretend they're gay?
Team Dresch - Is this confrontationalist political activism or simply
a way for straight girls to pretend they're lesbian?
New Wet Kojak - Ohh, it's SUPPOSED to be funny, right? RIGHT? Hmmm...
Zeni Geva - Are the Americans laughing at the fat Japanese guitarist?
Or is it the short one who entertains them?
Sarge - I am pretty. Watch me snort coke. More bass! More guitar!
Tell me I'm pretty.
Thingy/Heavy Vegetable - See a 16-year old boy in the body of a jaded
30-year old. No rhyme scheme in sight.
Jim O'Rourke - Hahahahaha... I bet you people STILL think I'm
"cutting edge". But then, when has Burt Bachrach been anything but
extreme avant-garde?
Godspeed you black emperor! - Ok, I've got this idea for a new song.
It'll start out slow and quiet with violins and pretty sounds. Then
we'll start a tape of some guy ranting about urban decay. Then we'll
get faster and faster and louder and louder until we can't go any
faster. Then we'll get slow and pretty and it'll be over. Sound
good?
5ive Style - Please... Somebody just put us out of our misery. Nobody
likes Led Zeppelin THIS much!
Heroic Doses - So, everybody loved 5ive Style. But wouldn't we be
even better with a really WHITE drummer? I think so.
The Ex - Democracy is bad. Enjoy our jerky rhythms.
Sex Pistols - We're old, and sometimes dead.
Wire - See Gang of 4.
Gang of 4 - See Wire.
The Peechees - See The Make-Up.
The Make-Up - See Prince.
Prince - See Little Richard.
Dolomite - Let's play weird angular rock. We're not popular. Let's
play country. We're not popular. Let's break up.
Rodan - See John Candy film, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"
Slint - See weird scary carnival lady and pirates that paint the
houses. My microphone's fucked up. I miss you.
Joan of Arc - Abstract expressionism is a bunch of crap... or
something, I dunno. ummm....lala, chicken for baby. Dostoevsky hangs
his hat on me.
Belle & sebastian - I love Nick Drake.
Nick Drake - I'm dead.
Big Black - We're smart assholes.
Caspar Brotzmann Massaker - Black. Black. Throw bricks at guitars.
Don Caballero - Man, that guy's a good drummer. Man, that guy's a
funny dancer. Is he playing that backwards?
Superchunk - We're young and high on life. I'm excited. We're old. I'm
bored.
Metroschifter - I like Coke. Our bassist talks weird.
Cat Power - I'm one fucked up chick.
Smog - I'm one fucked up dude.
Royal Trux - We're two fucked up people.
Drag City Roster - We're all just fucked up.
King Kong - I'm a funky monkey, and I smell like one too.
Tortoise - I like Miles Davis. Buy my 30 different remix records.
Stereolab - Marx Marx Marx. Give me money.
Pavement - Our lyrics are difficult. Two bucks on the filly to place.
June of 44 - $hark$ And $ailor$! $HARK$ AND $AILOR$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!
Shipping News - Behold! The future of music: BOAT ROCK!!!
Rachel's - By making literary references I improve my music (and image).
Sun City Girls - I'm weird. Observe my invented language.
Ruins - I'm Japanese. Observe my invented language.
Earth Crisis - Boy are we short. KILL THE CHEESEMAN!
Low - We're both Mormon. Let's be sad together. Who's the kid playing bass?
Archers of Loaf - College was fun.
Lungfish - I am Fidel Castro! Arrrrrrr!!!!!
Henry Cow - Cities decayŠ But while they do lets hear a woodwind solo.
Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - BLUES EXPLOSION!!!!!! (these white kids
will never know better).
This Heat - Let's make up Touch N Go first.
Born Against - garble garble roar scream garble fuck the system
garble wretch garble
David Grubbs - I am an English major. I am a troubadour. The
inanimate object does something odd.
Bikini Kill - Grrrl Power!!!!! Pardon me while I strip.
Glenn Branca - Put up with my arrogant personality while I rewrite
myself many times over.
The Coctails - I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm happy. Look! A musical saw!
Crain - Stupid rocket houseŠ Now we'll never make it.
Will Oldham - If I could fuck a lyric. O' lord, if I could make a dollar.
Jandek - Who?
Tar - Same chord. Different rhythm. Different chord. Same rhythm.
Neat! Metal guitars!
Unwound - We don't care. NoŠ We really don't care.
Sunny Day Real Estate - I'm like Merlin in that I grow younger with
age. Kumbaya.....
Flying Luttenbachers - I like jazz. I like jazz and death metal. I
like death metal.
Labradford - I'm bored, let's get a bass player. (gets bass player)
I'm bored, let's get a sampler. (gets sampler) I'm bored, let's get a
string section. (gets string section) I'm bored, I'll start a side
project.
Ben Lee - I screw Claire Danes. Now you hate me even more.
Breadwinner - I like Metallica. I've got a calculator.
Bedhead - See bedtime. If we have beards, people won't think we're children.
Pere Ubu - We're just playing this way to distract you from the vocals.
The VSS - Atari ruined my life.
Helium - I'm snotty, but pretty, so I boss my band mates around.
Polvo - What are guitars?
The Gravity Records roster - bang bang boom crash. Where's my cowboy
shirt? How did I get so dirty?
Melt Banana - yip eep eep epp hi yip aiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Monorchid - I am very very punk. I have read Vineland and I too
appreciate midgets and ninjas.
Elliott Smith - Grease is the flavor of the month!
The Sea and Cake - Hellllooo, ladies...
Mountain Goats - I have been many, manyŠ many places. Now I will sing.
Sleater-Kinney - Our sexual orientation is ambiguous which allows us
mainstream success.
The Magnetic Fields - I'm sad and gay, and boy do I love ABBA!
Stars of the Lid - What?
Sonic Youth - We're old and WAY past washed-up, but maybe Macauly
Culkin will improve our image and draw attention from our drummer's
weight problem.
Fred Frith - I have put many, many... MANY things in my guitar strings.
Dirty 3 - How much beer can a new album buy us? Now it is story time.
Guitar Wolf - Lock n' Loll!
Nashville Pussy - Motorhead RULES!!!! (all these tits and
pyrotechnics draws attention from our lousy music)
ManŠor Astroman? - Our schtick works SO well we're still funny the
second time around.
Sean Na Na - See Damian Jurado.
Damian Jurado - See Grape Ape.
The Crainium - Look at my new toaster. It's like a man. Look at my
new blender. It's like a woman.
Endpoint - See a retarded woman singing Rites Of Spring songs.
Metamatics - Sloppy guitars and leftist politics are a happy marriage.
Shudder To Think - The Last of the Eunuchs.
Nation of Ulysses - Being tired warrants running a country.
Spacemen 3 - It's all about droning, droning, shooting smack,
droning, droning, praising the Sonics, droning droning. We'll let the
Vox organ go on for a bit.
Slamdek Record Co. - "Time Bomb!"
The Red Crayola - We'll make up Drag City records, and be a part of
them because we're the epitome of "fucked up."
Modest Mouse - See a retarded boy singing Pixies songs.
Daniel Johnston - See a retarded boy.
Wesley Willis - See a retarded black boy.
Promise Ring - If I wasn't bald, I'd be a child.
Doldrums - Join us in our obsession with Chinese culture and guitar solos.
Cap'n Jazz - Kitty Kitty, I sing off key. My friend is bald. He plays
with me. Doggy Doggy, alphabet soup.
Screaming Trees - We're just big boned, that's all.
The Warmers - Maybe we should've tried harder to find a guitarist.
Murder City Devils - See G'n'R (Where's Axl? WHERE'S AXL?!?!?!)
Fugazi - We're sorry. Two of our members are responsible for hardcore and
emo, respectively. We're much better now, though.
Codeine - BOOM sniff CRASH
BOOM BOOM CRASH
Lowercase - Kill the lights, I'm almost dead.
Braid - The Thinking Man's Promise Ring.
the hal al Shedad - No, I'm not British. Don't call me emo.
Steve Albini - See Ted Nugent.
...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead - If we break things on
stage people won't notice Sonic Youth.
The Black Heart Procession - Change keys! For the love of God...
CHANGE KEYS!!!!!
The Jesus Lizard - See Public Image Limited.
Public Image Limited - See Plastic Ono Band.
TransAm - Hey! Who put that Rush in my Kraftwerk?!
Climax Golden Twins - I love the Discovery Channel.
Liz Phair - Fuck fuck fuck. (has baby) Darn darn darn.
Sebadoh - Boy gets kicked out of hip band, writes many songs about
it. Boy gets dumped by girlfriend, writes many, many songs about it.
Boy gets married, moves to L.A. and has nothing to write songs about.
Elliott - Band or busboys? You make the call.
Retsin - See Indigo Girls.
Guided By Voices - I am a heavy drinker who enjoys The Who. You are
fired. Now, a high kick.
Oval - My CD player is broken. Press record.
Aerial M - zzzzzz... oh... what? Yeah yeah yeah, that was me in that
band. Thanks for the cash.
Thee Speaking Canaries - I got it bad, got it bad, got it bad! I'm
Arthur Treacher.
Storm & Stress - You'd like us if you had more patience.
Angelhair - BLLLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
The Locust - BLLLLAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (keyboard)
Rye Coalition - Hey, Tony Stilletto, thanks for coming out! So what
if our bassist looks like Ricky Martin, you piece of shit!
A Minor Forest - We're only getting away with this because we're on
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